180 Degree Turn

Those Pesky 180’s

My life has taken a 180-degree turn in the last two months. 180 Degree Turn

Most of this year, my (second) husband and I have been struggling.  We haven’t been on the same page about anything, and my way of dealing with it was to sweep it under the rug, and his was to let his frustration build up to the point of exploding in an inappropriate and unforgivable way.  We separated July 4th weekend (“separated” is a very generous term – I kicked him out).  Just like we came in with a bang, we went out with a bang.  He has now relocated 13 hours away from me with a job and an apartment, and I’m left here to manage the weight of my world alone, amid a cloud of self-blame and shaming.

We haven’t even been married 2 years!

What will I tell everyone who only ever saw us madly in love?

How can I let down all of the people who believed in us?

It’s all my fault because I worked too much.

My children and the whole world will think I’m a controlling lunatic who can’t hold onto a man!

Romantically and emotionally, this has shaken my very foundation.  It has left me completely incapable of making decisions, most urgently whether to go through with filing for divorce or not.  My heart still loves what I had hoped we would be, and this is being fueled by the fact that he claims to still love me and wants us to try again.  My mind, however, does not want what we have become, does not believe this relationship can be repaired, and sees no sense in prolonging the inevitable.  One of us would have to give up everything to try again.  He’s already proven he can’t live here with me.  And I have too much to lose to uproot and leave for something that is likely unsalvageable.

This has caused me to hang in limbo, with divorce papers prepared but unfiled.

Luckily, I had the wherewithal to keep our finances completely separate, and he has stated that he has no desire to have anything except the possessions he brought into our relationship.  This made me feel a little better, knowing that I had no rush to make a decision, that I could procrastinate think things through before running to the courthouse…

And my tiara has another major ding.

{sigh}

Gawd, I’m pathetic.

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