There’s Something I Need…

So, my damaged man is mostly back to normal, proclaiming his love for me, happily ever after, all that bullshit.

Apparently, he’s taken his proverbial meds and pulled out his tattered copy of “How to be a Good Boyfriend” and said everything he needed to say…almost.

He doesn’t want to live with me.  Actually, let me amend that statement:  He doesn’t want his kids to live with me.

He claims my place never felt like home and that his kids referred to it as my house instead of “Dad’s house,” blah blah blah.

That means he’s house shopping.

And I’m back to being stuck with a big, empty house.

He says his dream is for me to sell my house, pay off my Parent PLUS loans with the equity, and then move in with him.  He asked me if I thought I might like to do that.

My initial gut reaction:  No fucking way.

What I actually said:  That I felt like everything I thought we had before we split up was shattered, and now I don’t trust it.  I said maybe, if we continue to date and things go well for 6-12 months, I’ll consider it.

He sounded disappointed but said that was fair.

There’s a lot to work through.  But mostly, I’m still a little pissed about the whole situation and honestly at this point I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

It seems like I should be happy that we’re back together, but instead I’m more annoyed with myself for not setting and enforcing boundaries.

I’m not sure why I can’t just walk away.

It’s so tough to go backward in a relationship.  I’m not sure I know how to return to dating once we’ve lived together.

I’m finding it’s really difficult to build a relationship at my age.  It was so much easier when we were young and had nothing and knew nothing and we were excited to build lives together.  Everyone – including me – has a lot of baggage, and pride, and we’re all scarred by past loves and trying to forage a path that may or may not be alignable with new lovers.  We’re all afraid of losing what we’ve worked hard to achieve, and we’re sad for all the time we’ve wasted on bad relationships and questionable decisions and facing the realization that our futures just aren’t as long as they used to be.

All of this – and so much more – is messing with my head lately.  I’m back in lock down mode, like I was last year when my second marriage ended abruptly.  I can’t make decisions, my weight is climbing, my budget is strangely out of whack, I can’t concentrate at work.  I spend hours every day looking over my finances trying to rework them so I can make faster progress, because I feel like if I have to work one more shift at Kohl’s I’m going to go mad.

I feel like I’m missing something…that there’s something I should be doing to find my joy and make my planets align again.

What Do I Need?

Is it sell my house?  Is it move away and start fresh?  Is it to ban myself from any relationships for awhile?  Is it take a few steps back and stop working so much?

There’s something I need…I just don’t know what it is yet.

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