My initial thoughts upon getting dumped last week:
I got dumped because I’m a strong woman.
I got dumped because I’ll “be fine.”
I got dumped because I have a big house and tried to help my boyfriend out by letting him and his 4 kids move in for cheaper than he can find anywhere in this school district.
Now I’ve lost my boyfriend and my best friend – and apparently I didn’t do anything wrong
The last thing in the world I want is to walk away.
I miss you every single moment.
This was the best relationship I’ve ever had.
The problem is that now I don’t trust you.
I don’t trust that you aren’t open to other women.
And I certainly don’t trust that you won’t flake out on me again.
I’ll never be able to trust “I’m a forever kind of guy” and “you’re my happily ever after” and that you’d never cheat on me.
And I don’t want to be a part of fucking up your kids’ lives, which I might be making worse by not being a part of their lives but none of that is mine to decide. We would never be able to bond with each other because of the fear that we might wake up one morning and it would all be gone.
It’s a fear that all 5 of us will have forever now because of what you have done.
I wrote all of that the day after I was dumped. At that time, I was completely blindsided and so confused. Who in their right mind would throw away a great relationship for no discernible reason?
Someone who is damaged, that’s who.
And I don’t mean that in a vindictive, name-calling, psycho bitch kind of way.
I mean that with love and understanding because yesterday I finally understood.
Things he said to me that were clues:
- Ever since Electric Forest, I haven’t been myself
- We never signed the rental agreement
- When your son was leaving, he said this would always be his home and his dad’s house would never be his home
- If I lose my job I refuse to be a freeloader like your last 2 husbands
- I want to be like you
At Electric Forest, I was angry at him for the first time ever. He was super drunk when we were setting up the tent, and I became frustrated. I didn’t yell or belittle him. He didn’t even know I was angry until I told him later when he was more sober. I explained what happened and why it made me angry, and I let it go. We had a great weekend, but I noticed he was off. He was still very sweet and kind to me at all times, but he definitely wasn’t acting crazy in love. I chalked it off as just The Forest. I even told someone that The Forest is not a sexual place, that even we – the ones who have sex everywhere all the time – only made love once.
When we returned home, he was still off, but he was also very sick for over a week. Festival Flu, they call it.
About the same time that he recovered, his best friend experienced tragedy. Her finance of just two days committed suicide.
He was devastated for her. She lives across the country and had to travel near us for the funeral. The day of the funeral, he drove his friend and some others to the funeral a few hours away. I stayed behind so that someone would be home to feed the kids dinner in case they had to stay late.
When he left that morning, I asked him to send me a message when they arrived safely. He did not. I rationalized that they were busy and he didn’t have a chance. The entire day passed. I sent a couple of messages checking to see if he was ok, but he read them and did not reply.
I wasn’t overly concerned until later that afternoon when my son told me that he came home to our house, picked up his kids, and went to his ex-wife’s house so the kids could see his friend. It really upset me that he could drive to the funeral, drive home, be at the house long enough to change and get the kids ready but he couldn’t take 15 seconds all day to let me know he was ok.
After he arrived at his ex-wife’s house, he finally messaged me. I responded with “Thanks for letting me know you got there ok. Thanks for letting me know you were on your way home. Thanks for letting me know you were taking the kids to your ex-wife’s house.” He apologized and said I was invited to dinner too, but I was really angry. I spent the evening with my son instead. By the time he came home I was in bed.
Again, we talked about why I was angry, and then let it go.
Getting angry with each other in a relationship is perfectly normal…unless one person in the relationship is damaged.
He has a terrible relationship with his mother. He tries and tries to reach out to her because he doesn’t understand why they can’t have a normal mother-son relationship like everyone else, but everything he does is wrong in her eyes. She tells him what a terrible person and a disappointment he is every time they speak.
Before the Forest, I had never been angry with him. So, in his damaged mind, once I became angry with him it meant that I didn’t think he was perfect anymore, and therefore he had disappointed me and I wouldn’t love him anymore.
When I was angry the second time it was too much for him to bear.
And this fed into his biggest fear – that by living with me it made him vulnerable to me kicking him and his kids out if I stopped loving him.
So his mind subconsciously manufactured a situation – a mythical situation at that – that would make me so angry that I would do what everyone else had ever done – stop loving him.
And now I understand.
I understand why he always said, “You know about all these bad things that I’ve done and you still love me?”
I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me enough to just talk to me. He couldn’t because he couldn’t articulate what he was feeling. He said, “I didn’t know how you’d take it when I told you that my kids and I can’t live with you anymore.”
I asked him why he stopped loving me, and his response was “I stopped loving myself.”
And I can see how…he was protecting himself the only way he’s ever known how to.
I haven’t talked to him about my realization yet. I asked him yesterday if he’d had any thoughts about us, and he said he’d had lots, but that he couldn’t talk about it then because he was at work.
What are those thoughts? I have no idea.
One thing is clear: he will not be living with me. He can’t let himself be that vulnerable again. He has his own place lined up.
So…either he wants to end it completely, or he wants to go back to dating again.
I’m not sure how I feel about either option.
We’re incredibly compatible, but he does have issues. So do I. But I still think it’s a great relationship. Just because it doesn’t look like we hoped it would doesn’t mean it can’t be recalibrated to be something equally amazing.
But one thing I do know…if he’s interested in dating I’m going to insist it’s exclusive. I’m not willing to share.
Waiting until he has time to talk…
I hate this part about myself…that I’m sitting here waiting for him to tell me what he wants.
I justify it by saying, “He’s the one who changed his mind.”
I also fail at toeing the line between “friend/ex-girlfriend who needs to tell him how she feels” and “psycho bitch.” I feel at this point it just depends on his perspective.
Which I don’t know yet.