I have reached the end of my rope.
For awhile now, I’ve been a wreck. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. It started earlier this summer, then took a decided turn for the worst when my boyfriend broke up with me last month. Even though we’re mostly back together, I feel terrible. All. The. Time. I’m not at peace with anything in my life. Not my house, not my finances, not my weight, not my relationships. I have no time for anything. Everyone I know is disappointed that I don’t spend time with them. I’m upset that I don’t take time for them or myself. My temper is short all the time with everyone. I fall asleep at my desk. I have projects around my house that I really need to get done. I don’t eat well or exercise at all. I have no patience. I’m struggling with decisions.
One decision I’ve been struggling with is refinancing my house. Now that my boyfriend moved out (along with his pocketful of rent money), I need to refinance my house to afford the payments that are about increase for my Parent PLUS loans now that my son has graduated. I can’t afford both the $1600 15-year mortgage payment along with my about-to-be $1700 loan payments every month.
So, I made two decisions last night.
I have decided to refinance to a 30-year mortgage. I know, I know, I know it’s stupid, especially since I’ll be 80 by the time 30 years has passed. But I can’t move out just yet, and even if I did there’s nowhere else to go around here because the market is so inflated right now.
The other decision: I decided to quit my part-time job. I hate it there so much. I’ve been wanting to for awhile, but it was really bothering me because I couldn’t figure out why I reached the end of my proverbial rope. I mean last year, I was working my ass off 25-30 hours there every week, and I was absolutely fine. This year, I want to slice my own throat every day that I have to work.
- Top of the list is they keep putting me in Intimates. I have asked, begged, cried repeatedly for over a year to not have so many shifts in that fucked up department. I’ve even trained in other positions and kicked ass at soliciting credit applications hoping to get hours in other areas. And every single week I’m scheduled over there. Until July, it wasn’t so bad because even though I was scheduled there, they’d move me somewhere else almost every night, and that worked out well. But that all stopped recently because the intimates supervisor (justifiably) bitched about it, and now they don’t move me anymore.
- I’ve missed out on a lot of time with my family, especially my parents. They’re 86 now, and I absolutely need to be more devoted to helping and spending time with them.
- My house needs work, and I have no time to do it. Or laundry. Or anything else.
- Last summer, my marriage had just ended. Working 75 hours a week had a lot to do with it. After he moved out, I didn’t have anything else to do but work. This summer, I have a new boyfriend. Unfortunately, because we’re having so much trouble lately, this is not a huge factor in my decision, but it’s on my mind nonetheless. I also have a great new group of friends that I want to spend more time with. Now, I can’t be out spending tons of money, but I really miss spending time with them.
- My weight is the highest it’s been in 5 years. I’m not exercising at all and I’m not eating properly. My health is not worth it.
- Last year, I had a few really good friends that I worked with there. And most of them are gone. In fact, I really don’t like most of the people I work with now. It’s just not fun for me anymore. Moral is down in general. There’s no discipline. Everyone is miserable. Retail is stupid and the customers are fuckers.
- My day job is about to explode with a great opportunity, and I need to focus on that so that I hopefully get a promotion out of it.
- I’m currently registered to return to college next month. Although I’m nearly positive I’m not going to be able to do that, if I do I can’t work as much.
- I want to start up a new side gig. I’m not sure what it will be yet, but honestly I haven’t even had time to explore my options.
- The straw that broke the camel’s back last night:
If my least favorite manager had not been on duty last night…or even if I had caught her alone before I left…I would’ve quit last night.
Then…of course…I had second thoughts. And I came up with a new plan. I’m not going to actually quit, but I’m vastly reducing my hours. I’m only going to work 2 days instead of 5. That way, if I have a free night and decide to pick up more hours, I can do that. I can choose for myself how many hours and which departments I want to work in. And if those 2 days are scheduled in intimates, maybe I won’t be so burned out, and I can handle it better. If not, I’ll quit completely.
10 minutes later…
So, I just called and spoke to the admin to reduce my hours, and she was full of information. I never get to see her except at Christmas time because she works weekdays, and I only work nights and weekends. She sees everything I see and more, and she wasn’t shy about telling me that things are bad there. We always have a high turnover, but a lot of long-timers are leaving, people are getting written and the write-ups are being ignored (therefore there are no consequences for bad behavior). Also, she’s been trying to get me out of intimates for months because she knows I hate it but the managers won’t let her. It’s amazing to me that she – who NEVER sees me – knows how much I hate being in that department all the time, but all of the managers that I’ve spoken to about it personally – which is all of them – have chosen to ignore me.
Not only will she take me down to 2 days a week, but she also let me pick my days at long as one of them is a weekend day. I chose Saturdays and Wednesdays, although I might switch that to Tuesdays.
So there. Two decisions made, for better or for worse.
I’m scared to death that I’m going to undo all of the hard work I’ve done the last several years with my finances. But maybe – just maybe – it’ll be glorious.